Do You Know Your Best Friend ??

You think you know everything about your best friend that there is to know, but do you really? Do you know how does your best friend feel when people act needy? Or, about people being dishonest? What do they think when others seem uncomfortable in social situations? According to a study, if you don’ t know – your relationship may pay a price.

There are lots of ways to know someone’s personality. You can say “she’s an extrovert” or “she’s usually happy.” You may also know how he or she reacts to different situations and other people’s behavior.

“It’s a more detailed way of understanding personality,” says Charity A. Friesen, a graduate student at Wilfrid Laurier University, who co-wrote the new paper with Lara K. Kammrath.

“You might know the person is extroverted when they’re out with their friends but more introverted when they’re in a new situation.” When a person is faced with one of a list of situations, then how does he or she behave? Friesen identifies this as an “if-then profile.”

Friesen and Kammrath recruited university students to take part in the study. Each student was asked to get a friend to participate in the study with them.

Then each of the participants individually filled out an online survey.

This included a list of “triggers”—descriptions of behaviors that someone might find annoying. One example was the word “skepticism” which was described as when someone is overly disbelieving of information that he/she receives, when he/she questions things that are generally accepted, or when he/she is very hard to convince of something.

The list also included gullibility, social timidity, social boldness, perfectionism, obliviousness and several dozen other possible triggers. For each behavior, each respondent answered a question about how much this triggers them and how much it triggers their friend.

Some people knew their friends’ triggers well; others had almost no idea what set their friends off. And that made a difference to the friendship. People who had more knowledge of their friend’s if-then profile of triggers had better relationships. They had less conflict with the friend and less frustration with the relationship.

Other research has shown that it’s not that hard to come up with a list of traits that describe someone; casual acquaintances can do it.

“But, if I’m close to someone, I can really start to learn the if-then profiles, and that’s what’s going to pay off in my relationship,” Friesen says.

The study appears in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science

It Feels Like Love - But Is It?

Sometimes it feels impossible to find someone who's right for you — and who thinks you're right for him or her! So when it happens, you're usually so psyched that you don't even mind when your little brother finishes all the ice cream or your English teacher chooses the one day when you didn't do your reading to give you a pop quiz.

It's totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn't as healthy as it should be.

 What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these seven qualities:

·         Mutual respect. Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you're acting like someone you're not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are — for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands — and would never challenge — the other person's boundaries.

·         Trust. You're talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.

·         Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.

·         Support. It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can't take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.

·         Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? It's not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.

·         Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change. Either of you should have to pretend to like something you don’t, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.

·         Good communication. You've probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don't seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase "no, nothing's wrong" can have, depending on who's saying it! But what's important is to ask if you're not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.

Why Do People Cheat?

In any relationship, there is the possibility of one partner succumbing to temptation. This could be due to boredom, incompatibility, distance or several other factors. None of them is excusable, but when dealing with a loaded situation, it is essential to understand what propelled the partner to look outside. Psychologist Deepti Makhija throws light on why men and women end up cheating on their partner.

Tendency Of Reactive Behavior

Quarrels are common in a marriage. But when a quarrel gets out of hand and one partner is left feeling hurt, he/she may take an extreme step like cheating as they feel they've been denied love. "The moments of vulnerability after a quarrel are very delicate. In such a situation, cheating is more like reactive behaviour than proactive behaviour," says Makhija. "People must take help from third parties such as friends and family. But they are so consumed in being reactive, that they forget to seek help. They jump at the first opportunity that promises them love. They result is something that they regret later."

Ego Boosters

Taking your partner for granted in a marriage can be one of the biggest mistakes you commit. After many years into the relationship, couples don't think it's important to complement each other on a new dress, a new hair style, new make-up, etc. Because your partner does not appreciate your efforts to look good, a feeling creeps in that you are no longer attractive to the opposite sex. So when someone shows interest, not only would you react, but you may take the plunge to boost your ego and feel good about yourself.

Growing Apart

Certain couples may have grown apart in their marriage. They become immune to each other's company and their partner doesn't excite them emotionally and sexually. But they may still continue their relationship for the sake of their children or financial stability. Missing out on the love factor, such a couple is very likely to go looking for love in another place. They may be convinced in their own way that it's a win-win situation that they are in. The truth may be far from it.

Opportunity Knocking

People may get opportunities on business trips, parties or other outings where they may get intimate with the opposite sex. Some may know where to draw the line and others may take advantage of the situation. Makhija terms this behaviour as thrill-seeking. "Every individual is accountable for his/her actions," says Makhija. "No one can force you to have one night stands. You are fully conscious of your actions if you are indulging in a one night stand. These momentary slip-ups, if not discovered, can hook a person into a vicious cycle of thrillseeking opportunities."

You Were Forgiven In The Past

Often, the cheating partner tends to lose respect for their spouse if they have forgiven them after one bout of infidelity. They may continue to cheat because they know their spouse is going to take them back eventually. Before forgiving a partner, it's important to reflect on your marriage and recognise other issues which might have led to infidelity indirectly. Only after serious introspection, you must decide whether to continue with the relationship.

(Article Published in TOI)